ON THE ROAD AGAIN

I really miss those trips with my mom, that we use to take to visit colleges. Sounds so weird,and slightly out of place but I miss that time alone with her, just us. We would take those long car rides stay in mediocre (but clean) hotels and eat crappy food at places like Denny's and Howard Johnson. We visited states like Massachusetts, VT, D.C. and fantasize about where my final destination would be. Little did we know I would be at two different schools, in two completely different states. Nothing seems like the straight and narrow when it comes to me, we always seem to take the more complicated route. I miss that time with my mom I really do, and think about the times I will be taking Aiden and Lila on those trips; with Brian of course:) It's amazing to me that so much time has passed and we never get that time alone anymore, nor will we ever. I miss taking those trips I really, really do! Today is "Terrible Tuesday" and we know how much I love that! The day started, is and will end just like I anticipated…CRAPPY! UGH XOXO BTC

"WE ARE FAMILY…I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME"

work is and always will be a HUGE part of who I am; but on the same hand so is my family. I wanted to be able to be everything to everyone, do it all but as we know…and I have mentioned before, it's just not that easy nor is it at all possible. At some point something's gotta give for the ultimate amount of happiness. There are so many ways I would like to balance my life even better, the pendulum for me just seems to lean one way or the other not exactly where I as a Libra want it; in the middle! There is something to say about balance, that feeling that everything is in the exact correct spot, there's something to be said for being in perfect balance. Question is who the fuck is ever in that position? Tomorrow is "Terrible Tuesday" the one day a week I always feel way less balanced, so I am incredibly excited it is coming so quickly. YIPPEEE XOXO BTC

BEAM MY UP SCOTTY

That is how I feel when I am with certain friends, that I could touch the sky I am so high on life. I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have them, come to think of it I can't even fathom what it would be like, nor do I want to! I am really thankful for them everyday, and know that's it unique to have such good ones. I think to myself if I had had better friends growing up (with the exception of camp) I would have been SO much happier; and wouldn't hate myself for being friends with a few major assholes. Oh well woulda shoulda coulda. It's Sunday night and I know I have mentioned how I don't have those Sunday blues anymore. It's actually really liberating but I feel guilty about it too, b/c I know Brian still goes through those emotions. I know it's hard to do the same shit day in and day out EVEN when you like what you do. It becomes a well oiled machine but at the same time it's like driving the same car for the rest of your life; just not as interesting and exciting. My honest goal is to have my husband be my manny, I mean how hot does that sound? HA! XOXO BTC

FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED

Been a little delinquent on here lately, just means I don't have a hell of a lot to say; clearly not common for this gal:) I am SO fucking hung over, WHY I proceeded on throwing back tequila shots while I was drinking wine at the same time is BEYOND me. I want to work out so badly and I know that I should but I don't even think I can force myself. The kids are with my in-laws so I will mil it for as long as I possibly can, and then pull the work out trigger when Brian goes to pick them up. I sinned last night having FAR too much booze, kill me now! I woke up this AM with no kids and I have to say it was quite liberating, but at the same time I think to myself at this age, if you don't have kids WTF do you do with all of your time? I am already bored and it's not even 10 AM yet! I love spending time away from them, and having time with Brian but then I want them to come home b/c I miss them so much! UGH I literally think I could puke…more later! (ILLIN) XOXO BTC

BORN DAY

It's really weird to think that this will be my last birthday in my 30's, so much of my 20's I remember and it felt SO freaking long. NOW I just think back to when I got pregnant with Aiden, my 30's had just started and I had 10 years ahead of me! It's insane to think back and recognize how long ago that was, because it honestly feels like yesterday! It's so true, the older you get the fast time goes. I have such a love/hate relationship with this day, I know that I never really love it…even when I was young enough and going out to celebrate. I feel like it always marks milestones and then things that I wanted to, but have not accomplished this past year. AND got knows that list still exists and is actually quite long this fucking year! Happy BORN day BIOTCHY BETH! XOXO BTC

I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I

I know THE most selfish individual on the face of this planet, and what makes it worse is that I don't think he thinks there is any other way to be. You know the type, the one that thinks everyone's out to get him and if it's not done the way he wants it done and when then you are the problem. YEAH that type. The one that can't understand that things can't happen always exactly when he wants it to happen; that life just runs around the circle they sit inside of…yeah that kind. I think it's worse when you can't connect on a personal level like you can't relate to each others lives. The reality is I DO have kids and I AM married, I can't go and do as I please, life doesn't work that way. As amazing as it is to have children you give up your own life for them, which I am FINE with…but it's just the way that it is. I feel sorry for him, I do. It's the kind of thing he will realize so late in the game that no apology will change the behavior. NOT to mention when you can't eliminate someone like this from your life, all you do is resent them. Sad but true. I think that people need to understand that when you can make something happen, you will and if you can't you just can't and you have to be ok with the word NO. If you don't hear the word NO enough, when you do hear it it does not sit well with that person. I am annoyed, frustrated and just about out of patience with this one…not WHAT???!?! UGH Happy Monday! XOXO BTC

WEED THE BAD ONES OUT

Now, my title can mean a few things! WEEDING out the bad people in your life is integral to your mental health! I mean I think back to all the girls that did such awful things to me, and want to punch MYSELF in the face to wake me the fuck up! I did not feel like I really got it right, until I was in my 20's; POST college. I still could not figure out what girls really loved me until I graduated. I don't know why girls need to be cruel, I mean I do not…clearly when they felt badly about themselves it was easier to make other girls feel that pain. I often run into one of these girls on occasion and for some reason she always seems so happy to see me. I on the other hand want to run for the hills. I think maybe she's not so bad anymore, and then something comes out of her mouth to remind me that she is the same bitch she was when we were 15. I wonder if SHE knows she's like that, and if so does she care? Then I think about a few people I am not longer friends with that I actually really like. The problem is that they are attached to the ones that I don't like, you know like backup singers. Sad but true. Listen, I am no angel. I said and did things to people more often than I would like to admit. I would like to think that some of them deserved it, but certainly not all of them did. You know the girls that fucked our boyfriends or the girls that acted like they were holier than though, those. I did and said things I am not proud of but am hoping that some of those things that people didn't like, was simply speaking my mind! Now I can confidently say my girlfriends, my best friends are the people that keep me going. They are the ones that make me smile, make me happy when I want to jump off of a bridge. I am thankful for my girls, and I am thankful that most of my girl WEEDED their bitches out; OH and I am happy a lot of them smoke WEED too:) HAPPY FRIDAY (almost)! XOXO BTC

WHO'S THE BOSS? BAD BOSSES?

I mean it was the BEST show in the 80's, but SO not what I am talking about in this entry. Why is it, that some bosses need to put others down, to make them feel better? Why are so many bosses full on narcissists? SOME even admit to becoming "that" type of person. It's strange to me that so many authority figures feel as though they are exempt from real life, simply because they run a company, make a lot of money, etc. Clearly they are lacking in some way, in other areas of their life to make them act this way. They don't simply act like this, just because no matter what their position of power is. I mean the President of the fucking US doesn't give that kinda of bravado off, why would someone who simply owns a company. AND it really does not make a difference how much money you make, everyone should be treated like a human being, regardless. I wonder when do these people become "these" people? Is it always present from birth it just needs to make its way out? Do others build them up so much that they then really believe they are THAT great? AND why can't they be deflated? I personally would love to deflate them, come to think of it I think at one point or another in my career I have probably hit this head on. On more than one occasion I have wanted or actually have called them out on this insane behavior. At the time it was probably totally out of line, but at the same time completely appropriate? Like an oxymoron…but one that makes perfect sense! It's hump day, and I feel like doing ANYTHING under then sun other than humping. I have a horrific cold that both my kids gave to me, and back home again with Lila who is running a fever, on top of coughing. It's a fucking train wreck up in here. Here's to a MUCH better Thursday and a MUCH needed weekend to drink my sorrows away! XOXO BTC

PRIVATE OR PUBLIC

It's an ONGOING battle in my head, what situation is best for my kid. I know sometimes you want what you are familiar with, but at the same time is there a better choice depending on your child? I am going to go out on a limb and say YES there is. I am struggling, STRUGGLING at liking Aiden's current school situation. People ask my why, they say things like it's a great town, with GREAT schools, etc. but why don't I agree? WHY am I not feeling the way everyone else is telling me that I SHOULD feel? Aiden is a complicated case, she's not the norm when it comes to getting up and going to school everyday. It's rough for her, harder than it is for most kids. I often think that if she had individual attention, and was not 22 kinds in a class with one teacher, that she would benefit from that sort of setting. I know that it's hard with so many kinds, being a teacher who does not loose their cool; or a teacher who simply can't handle all those student, at that age, at one time. I mean shit, I couldn't, but then again that's not my job. MY job as a mom is to advocate to make sure my kids have everything that they need. That if there's an issue I address it, if they are unhappy I find out the source of their unhappiness, that is what you do as a mom…as a parent. BUT when it all gets to be too much and you know in your gut you can change things, at which point DO you make those changes? We are at that point right now with Aiden, private or public. It's an internal battle where I need to come to some type of outward resolution. Stay tuned, I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride!

"HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME…"

It's amazing to think we live in a society where men hit women. To think that it's condoned or covered up in some way is incredible to me. Clearly there is a right and wrong thing to do, so just don't do it! I have not been paying SO much attention to the Ray Rice situation b/c once you learned he knocked her out what more is there to say? There is only more to DO. I also think the fact that the NFL is trying to deny they saw the video is stunning. They know DAMN well what went down, aimed to then cover it up AND on top of that say they never saw it. It has to come down to money, what's good for the team and the fact that pulling a player off the field during the beginning of a season, could potentially harm more than just the team he is on. I feel badly for his wife for having to go through all of this but more importantly I feel badly for her that she made the decision to stay. I can't judge and I won't attempt to because I am not her, and I am not in that situation; BUT, I feel the most upset about the fact that for whatever reason she does not want to leave. I am not sure if this will be an eye opener for just her and the league or for everyone, society in general. You would hope that would be the case, so women who don't feel says can somehow feel safer. It's Thursday Sept. 11th today, that faithful day we lost so many lives during the attach on the World Trade Center. I remember vividly being at Oprah Magazine early for a shoot, when the first one came down. I was already down in Chelsea at my then apt. watching the 2nd one fall from my roof. I was that close, but yet far enough away to feel the affects of the smoke, debris and then some. I watched people covered in ashes and blood walk through the lower west side streets and into St. Vincent's (not closed down) hospital. The care centers set up, the flyers with peoples names on them praying for any survivors. I can't even fathom what it is still like for those families…I only pray they have the strength to get through this day every year, and know we are all praying right there with them. God speed. XOXO BTC

HERE WE GO AGAIN….

It's that time of year when the kids starts school, everything feels and looks fresh, and more importantly I get a really great BREAK from my new life! I can't really remember what it is like to just go and do as I please, b/c I always had help with the kids; and that didn't exempt me from doing the motherly things, it simply allowed me to do ADDITIONAL things; and still be a mom. I am not sure that I was as attentive as I would have liked to be, but simply b/c I had clients and ran a business. HOWEVER, if there was ever a time I needed to be there or simply wanted to be there, I could. You take for granted some of the things you are able to do with full-time help, and then at the same time I don't even think that it's necessary for me to have it now! Clearly we don't have someone. There is that part of me, that would like to run out for a moment without throwing the kid/kids in the car and not relying on certain people to watch my kids. At the same time, it's so far and few in-between makes no sense to have someone sitting here from 9 AM to 6 PM while the kids are in school that entire time minus 2 hours a day! You know? ANYway. It's Monday, and it always gets me down…even though I don't answer for anyone else but me. Just makes me kinda sad. BUT the good thing is that Terrible Tuesday is right around the corner and we know how much I love that! XOXO BTC

ATHEIST NO MORE

I will start this entry by saying everyone that knows me well, knows that I am far from a religious person. I think part of the reason I am the way that I am, is because my parents really did not want to confuse me more with religion; when we were already dealing with the mixed race thing. I also think that my observation with religion has always been one filled with so much prejudice and judgement that it was hard for me to see what each religion really meant! It was doused with so much shit, that to uncover what was really there would take far too much time, and that would mean someone would have had to enlighten me in a very special way. Needless to say, I attended a Baptist church memorial service (my best friends brother-in-law died suddenly on the 25th), so Brian and I went to pay our respects. The MOMENT you walk into the church or even the surrounding area of the church (this one happened to be in Harlem), the vibe is just different, accepting, open, loving. It was also kinda nice to be the majority in the room and not the minority if you know what I mean:):) In any which case, I was SO moved be the ceremony, the music, the pastors, his brothers from his fraternity, the families who attend that I can honestly say it felt very at home for me. NOW my mother is Catholic and my father was Episcopalian so this is NOT an area I am well versed in, BUT honestly it did not matter. When I walk into a Temple I feel like I am from literally from outer space and it's not a jewish non-jewish thing at all, it's a welcoming thing for sure. I feel ostracized and small. Even during funerals, everyone is crying everything is SO sad, it's just horrific…with this, it was a celebration of this young mans life taken too short. A celebration in his honor with music and laughing. It was simply amazing. As I write this I reflect on my own life and I want to be remembered. I think about who would attend my funeral out of love and honor and not just because they had to. Where would I be buried? Or would I at all? What kind of ceremony would I want and would I want it to be non-denominational? I mean I would b/c that's who I am but there is a LARGE part I would love to take from the Baptist church simply b/c it's beautiful. A very interesting evening, one I could not have imagined but feel blessed to have attended. May you rest in peace Kevin Forbes, for you were sincerely loved by all of your family and your peers. XOXO BTC

DETENTION

I honestly deserve it! I have not been at all communicative lately on this, and it's not for lack of WANTING to but literally just forgetting! I can't say I have had SO much on my plate or anything, just managing the kids can be incredibly more tedious than I remembered when they got OUT of school. My life has shifted in a few ways and now I have had to concentrate on a plethora of other things, that are quite different from anything else I have ever experienced! The combination of selfishly enjoying the shift, paired with terror with not knowing what's around the corner has been a BIT exhilarating! A whole new chapter, and ones that I am in complete control over…and THAT is fucking cool as as shit. Aiden starts her first day of 3rd grade tomorrow, and I am BUGGING a bit for her. I fear for the way school becomes so much more competitive and ugly, and as a girl it's THAT much harder. Thankfully her best friend Sharon is in her class so I feel slightly better about it; AND her teacher is supposed to be amazing. SO lets reconvene after tomorrow (if I can remember), and I will download everyone on her 1st day! Let the school girl begin! XOXO BTC