I AM EXCITED FOR WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS...

You know when when you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel? I can finally put these words down on paper, and feel good about the fact I can really see what the future WILL hold. I worry when I say things that by saying them it makes them real and legit; and if that does not happen...I will have failed in SOME way. I am excited for what the future holds, whatever that my be. People say you control your own destiny and in many ways I do think that is true; but I also think it takes an incredible amount of hard work too! Wait I am just coming back to this 6 hours later...and I can't even really remember what I was talking about...ON TOP of the fact that I am now having some White wine:) GOOD night! XOXO BTC

A MOM IS A MOM IS A MOM...

WHY is it that I find it so difficult to relate to other moms? I am a total fish out of water when it comes to anything school related! I am always there, I am always helping, but it just does not feel natural to me; and I don't think it looks natural to other people. You would think a mom, is a mom is a mom? I see these moms that all look like they SHOULD be there, like the DESERVE to be there, and then there's me. People would say, "come on what are you talking about?" But I don't know how to describe it, different than I am right now! In any event, I just think about all of the times I am going to have to be available for stuff like that and it totally makes me uneasy. AND I don't think I have ever talked about this with Brian. Not for any reason, maybe more because I am just now really realizing it? Anyway, off to work out...and go to the office, where I feel MOST myself:) Happy Happy Hump Day! (that sounds weird) XOXO BTC

I WORK FOR FREE...

What is it about always saying yes and rarely saying no?? I am so that person, no matter how many times I say I am not going to be! I say yes when anyone asks me for ANYTHING. It could be money, help, the shirt off my back...I will give anyone anything that they need, pretty much at any time. What does it say about me? I think it says I work for free. I would like to think that I am more of a hard ass than I am, I would like to think that I can just say no and be ok with it...but I can't, and I won't! I don't like people to be unhappy with me, and I don't like them to NOT get what they need and want. I hear no all the time, and I think I always worry about asking people for things, for sake of asking them for too much...but I do it any way, anything from anyone I have a relationship with. Everyone who has ever taken advantage of that, can go to HELL! TT (AKA TERRIBLE TUESDAY) XOXO BTC

TAKE A BOW...

Do you ever want to bow out on plans, even though you know shouldn't? AND with that, there are def, times in my entire life that I have done just that! But at the end of the day, you suck it up! You make the long trip, you take the time to do something you may not want to do...because, well you kinda have to. You take a moment out of your busy life to do something that is not for you, and you do it! You don't just take a bow...and bow out! What is it about certain people that you know who are ALWAYS reliable, vs. the ones you know and love who are not. Do you think there's a reason people are like that? Or do you think they are just too self involved to know that their decision then affects other people. If you make a plan, what can't you stick with it? And of course I am not meaning the times that people get sick, or something comes up...you know, life happens! I mean just deciding to do something b.c you want to, not because it is in the best interest of other people. Well, I fucking hate EVERYONE today...everyone's a bitch, and it's only Monday. Lord have mercy on my soul for the rest of this week! XOXO BTC

PREEESSSSSURE....

Do you ever feel SO stressed you could freaking you could SCREAM, THROW, PUNCH, KICK??!?!?! Yeah I feel that way A LOT lately, but I just don't really like anyone to know I feel that way:) Sometimes the PRESSURE just gets to you!!!

I CAN DO ANYTHING YOU CAN DO BETTER...

I mean that's kinda a not nice way of saying, I feel like I can do anything...I don't meant necessarily better than you! Just worked for todays title:) I always want to challenge myself, I think I get bored easily if I don't feel like I am doing things that stimulate my brain; and force me to work on myself and the things around me! I don't know if that's awesome or just plain dumb, to keep adding things onto what already seems like quite a full plate! I love what I do, I will always love what I do...and am MADE to a PR person; however, that editor in my, that creative mind, the one that needs to create things is always working overtime. I think because of that, I am inclined to do more and more and more, and really love what I add on. I had a fun time styling a friend for a TV show last night, not my normal arena in fashion but something I do every day for myself...and have put TONS of looks together as an editor. Really great time, and now I know I could do this too! I MEAN in some way, I am not jumping against the likes of the best in the bizz:) So it's Thursday and it's pouring rain again in NYC, makes it a little depressing...but hey tomorrow's Friday, right? XOXO BTC

ARE WE THE SAME IN LIFE & DEATH?

Is it weird to think your entire life can fit into this perfect box, and then in turn so can your death? Meaning, you can live in the same place your "like" people do, live in the same houses, live the same lives, go to the same churches, temples whatever, drive the same cars, go on the same vacations, have the same "type" of kids; and then die...and even get buried in the SAME place everyone else gets buried. What does that say about you (as a person), or does it say anything at all other than, all of those things just simply make you happy? And you are lucky to have a great group of people loving you in life AND in death. My in-laws both grew up in Brooklyn, lived there after they got married (at the age of 18), moved to NJ (with other friends from the area over 40 years ago), went to the same temple as everyone else (who was conservative in the area), sent your kids to the public school (with every other "like" person), drove the same cars, were friends with the same people only like them, and after all of that...will be buried in the same cemetery as everyone like them. Does that make a difference in life and then death? We attended a funeral yesterday, in a room filled with ALL of the same "type" of person (and their off-spring) and none of that mattered AT all! It was just a beautiful thing that everyone gathered around to celebrate someone's life; a woman whom for sure touched everyone's life, around her. Brian and I got into the car and the 1st thing I said to him was, "babe please I don't want a funeral. I don't want a group of people all sitting together in a depressing room, my body in a casket, and some random person talking about me...someone who never even met me! I would rather you rent out a chill bar for a few hours, have drinks, eats, etc. and just all talk about the fun (I hope) you had with me. ALL the good with the bad, the fun times, the sad times, the best times, the worse times. Please have everyone I love in a room, that is filled with good friends, booze and great story tellers. THAT is how I want to go. I want it to be in true BTC fashion. I want to be the same in death as I am in life." His next question, was, "and where is the body going to be?" UGH really? UM NOT fucking there! Interesting that in life you are surrounded by everyone you love, at events life your wedding, Christening or Bris, etc. then you have the same group (hopefully) in death. AND no matter if it's the group of people who all look alike, act alike, live alike or a room filled with different types of people from all walks of life, it just does not make a difference. What makes a difference is that you have a group of people, in a room, celebrating your life. XOXO BTC